Over twelve years ago, I used to “try” to compete in triathlon. I was a weak swimmer, at best; but thought I could fake my way through the swim portion of a race to get to the good part; biking and running. Along with many other lies I told myself, that simply wasn’t true. I couldn’t fake my way through anything, and on the occasions I did “try” doing a race, I had huge, enormous melt downs in the swim which included anxiety, panic, wheezing, inability to swim with my face in the water, calling for the kayak to rescue me, did I mention panic? Why could I swim pretty well in the pool but fail so miserably in the lake? So I quit. And I didn’t feel bad about quitting, either. I told myself swimming just wasn’t my gig, and I let it go.
Fast forward to 2018. My son convinced me to register for the Arizona Ironman 70.3. I registered months in advance, and determined that I would be successful in the swim and engaged a swim coach. I started swimming three days a week. I’ve been working reasonably hard. I’ve been training for months, but I hadn’t done an open water swim – until last night.
The water temperature was 84 degrees, so there were no wetsuits allowed in the event, but I consoled myself with the fact that I wouldn’t have to brave cold water. And the water was really warm, with some strangely mysterious hot spots. The prevailing advice that I received was to “START OUT SLOW.” I thought I did. I thought I was good. I had what I thought was an acceptable amount of training and confidence. Until I fell apart. It was still very early in the swim when this happened. I started to wheeze and panic. I wanted to quit. I wanted to quit so much! But I got to the first buoy and hung on to it for a few minutes. Then I got to the second and did the same thing. The distance to the next buoy was longer, and I couldn’t exactly see the far-away buoy, but just knew it was down-lake somewhere. I had no practice sighting in the lake. I swam way off course. What should have been a 750 meter swim ended up being 1300 yards, according to my Apple Watch. (That’s actually kind of funny.)
While out there on the long side without a buoy in close range, the fear really set in. I called for a kayak – which didn’t come. I swam a bit more and called again, “I need help!!” Still no kayak came, but a voice called out, “do you need help?” I can’t remember the cuss words I used, but I was not kind in my response. In that moment, it was solely, and completely all about me. I didn’t care about how many other participants were in the event or the safety of anyone else. I wanted that kayak and I wanted it right in that moment and I was angry that I wasn’t getting the attention I thought I deserved. The kayak did come over and I hung on for a few minutes and calmed my crazy down from fear factor code red. So cut to the chase – I finished. I settled down and had a decent swim for the last 600 yards or so, although I went zig-zaggy off course.
When I got home last night and played the movie back in my head, I acknowledged that I wasn’t a very nice person out there in that lake. I was selfish, rude, angry, intolerant, and completely consumed with myself. My ego told me that everyone was there to serve me. That’s when I made the connection between fear and ego. All consuming ego activated all consuming fear. I didn’t like myself very much in that realization. So this is what I’m thinking. In order to get rid of the fear, I need to get rid of the ego.
I must:
- Really DO start really slow
- Get over myself
- Enjoy the moment
- Love the lake
- Create a calming mantra or song
- Be kind to the people around me
Having said that, I’m doing another open water swim in two days, so I’ll have a chance to put the points above into practice. I’m not quitting this time.